Posted on July 22, 2013
Weird Anxiety Quirks, Part 38394
I know I seem pretty together, yeah? Like I got it all. But sometimes I get anxious about things that are stupid.
Tomorrow, I’m going to the National Aquarium in Baltimore by myself. The “by myself” part isn’t the anxiety-inducing thing–I’m honestly looking forward to being alone and not having to worry about how fast/slow anyone else wants to see everything. (Plus I’ll be able to sit at the bottom of the big shark & ray tank and just watch them swim in circles for as long as I want.)
I was thinking about what to wear, and I decided that I’d wear this one shirt that I don’t wear in public that often. It’s an LGBT shirt. Actually, I have a picture of it here. It was October 2009, and the lovely lady next to me is married to the equally-lovely lady who took the picture. They were visiting NYC from England, and being with my friends was enough to make me confident enough to wear it for the first time. The only time I can think of that I wore it in public since then was when I went to Philly Pride in June 2011.
Anyway. I wanna wear it tomorrow. I don’t know why, exactly. I mean, the aquarium isn’t a particularly gay hotspot. But I think about the idea that maybe I’ll meet someone there. Someone who’s also there to watch the rays and sharks swim around, and so I guess maybe I want to put my label on display? And, y’know, why shouldn’t I wear that shirt in public? I wear Yankees and Rangers apparel in Philly territory all the time, and that’ll be more likely to cause strife than being gay, right?
But I can’t deny that it’s a big deal. It gives me some anxiety, along with a thrill. It shouldn’t. I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t have to think so hard about it.
Maybe, though, if I do this, it’ll make it easier next time.